


Syncopation

by kangamangus (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied Sexual Content, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Stream of Consciousness, Supportive Benny Lafitte, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 14:06:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17102006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kangamangus
Summary: He's a monster, true-in-the-flesh, the flesh that Dean restored, believed in, breath-of-life that he carried with him as he emerged. It's wrong, and part of him wonders, is this what it felt like for Sam, when he fucked Ruby? Was it all impatience, all dark hunger, a desire to quiet everything else?





	Syncopation

**Author's Note:**

> Stream of consciousness fic, Dean's POV, taking place after he and Benny return from Purgatory (Season 8). 
> 
> I found this in my drafts from years ago, but liked it too much to just let it go.

It's fucked. 

It's fucked, but what isn't these days? He's a monster, true-in-the-flesh, the flesh that Dean restored, believed in, breath-of-life that he carried with him as he emerged. It's wrong, and part of him wonders, is this what it felt like for Sam, when he fucked Ruby? Was it all impatience, all dark hunger, a desire to quiet everything else?

And maybe it's fucked that he's thinking of Sam, while Benny is licking along his collarbone and tugging at his jeans. Maybe it's wrong that even now after Sam didn't look for him, every thought goes back to him, skipping back to him over and over again like some god damn broken record.

He came back wrong, off, something darker and unrelenting. He's always known it's in him, since Hell or maybe even before Hell. Maybe the first time he saw Sam threatened something was born in him, of desperation and love and _ability_ , and maybe Hell made it grow and Purgatory forced him to wear it proudly, embrace it as himself, spit him back out with something dark coloring his features.

Knife on the table, gun on the shelf, Benny between his legs, under him, over him, all over him, and Dean thinks, I'm gonna smell like vamp, and it makes him laugh.

He can see that he intoxicates Benny.

Sometimes he bites his lip hard enough to make it bleed, just to see that hunger spread across Benny's features, just to see if he'll lose control, so he can flirt with that loss.

And sometimes Benny licks his lips and looks away and submits in a way that says, yes Dean I want to drink you all of you but I won't do that to you. And sometimes he responds with anger and shoves Dean so hard his head snaps back against the wall and he smiles that ghost of a boyish smile of his, and calls him _Brother_.

But Benny still won't drink, and Dean trusts him not to drink, and Benny trusts him to cut off his head if it comes to that (but will he? will he?)

And Benny looks at him with the soft edge of amusement around his eyes (or is it sadness? or is it both? Dean doesn't know) 

But he quells it, silences the rush for just a little longer, and Dean thinks that this is what it feels like to be an addict, thinks he can finally fucking relate to Sam and his sick thing with Ruby, now when he can't relate to Sam in any other way.

Dean can't stand it when they're spent and tired and Benny doesn't look like he wants to shove him out of the bed and make a couple of comments, _Be seein' you the next time you're hankerin'._ When he looks like Dean is the fragile thing (was this fragile thing but broken now so it doesn't matter) and he doesn't know how to keep him from shattering right then and there.

And Dean thinks, fuck you, you're a monster, I've killed tons of you with you right there by my side, you know what's inside of me, you know what I can do to you.

But Benny can see him. and that's what it's always been about. Benny sees him, whereas no one else ever has, not even Sam, not even when they were looking for dad, not even before Stanford, and definitely not now.

Benny sees him and doesn't flinch, and later, as Dean is pulling up his jeans and telling Benny again that this has got to stop, that he doesn't fuck vamps no matter what they did back in Purgatory, that this is god damn sick — 

Benny says, _I know, brother_.

And Dean knows he's answering something unspoken.


End file.
